April 28th, 2009 
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Today at All About Bipolar, we are discussing the difficulties of living with a bipolar spouse. I am attempting to understand what it must be like for my spouse since I received my diagnosis of bipolar disorder.
I fully understand the hardships that this disorder causes for me, but I would like to have a greater understanding of what it must be like for my spouse. I think this will help to strengthen our relationship and I hope that others who have bipolar disorder or live with a bipolar spouse will be able to utilize some of this information to help with their own relationships.
When I was initially diagnosed, I was not shocked. I had experienced symptoms for years and in the back of my mind I had known I was bipolar for quite some time. I never mentioned it to my doctors because I didn’t want to put the idea in their heads. I wanted them to see my symptoms and correctly diagnose me so I knew for sure that I did not influence it in any way.
I can only assume what my spouse was feeling. I do know that he didn’t know much about the disorder and he was unsure of what was to be done about it. I can imagine that a spouse’s diagnosis would cause panic, fear, frustration, anger, disappointment, or even guilt or pity. My husband was very nonchalant about it on the outside, but I now think he didn’t know how to handle it or decided to try and sweep it under the rug.
Honestly, I think there have been times where he thought this wasn’t what he had signed on for and he doesn’t want to deal with it. When I become suicidal, he varies from anger to fear. He is always fearful at first until he feels that I am no longer a threat to myself. I think it is then that he becomes angry—not just because he mistakenly thinks that I have control over this and that I can do better, but because he absolutely hates that I am no longer the person I used to be.
The changes in a person with bipolar disorder are very obvious to a spouse. I am well aware that he may feel like I am certainly not the person he married and am far from the person he fell in love with. I think he sometimes mourns the loss of who I once was. It requires a great deal of effort on my part to try to somewhat resemble my former self and I feel like this causes more frustration for both of us.
I feel really bad that he has to deal with this. I know it is a lot to take on and it certainly wasn’t the way he envisioned our future when he asked me to marry him years ago. There have been times when he has had to watch over me like a small child. It creates a tremendous feeling of guilt that I don’t quite know how to handle.
At the same time, I feel some resentment towards him. I feel like he has never put forth enough effort to learn more about bipolar disorder. He can’t possibly understand it without trying. I have ordered pamphlets and booklets from the internet so he could read about it. My therapist gave me quite a bit of literature to give to him so he could better understand what it is and how to manage it. He still hasn’t taken the time to read any of it and that is very frustrating for me.
Still, I realize that it must be very frustrating to watch someone’s mood change by the minute. It must be horrible to come home from work and not know what you are going to be dealing with. Honestly, I can’t even begin to imagine what that must be like or the anxiety it must cause.
I am trying to achieve stabilization but it isn’t an easy feat. I try very hard to understand what it does to him so that I can find ways to “fix” it. Sometimes I say hurtful things and I realize that but I cannot always control it. My anger and frustration seems to be directed towards him because he is the only person that I feel like I can talk to. As a result, he ends up hurt and confused. It is something that I have to work harder on.
I would love to hear from anyone who has bipolar disorder or lives with a bipolar spouse. Perhaps you can help to shed some light on the issues of being married to someone who is bipolar.
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All I can say is I live in a almost constant state of worry. I go to work and worry she is going to get in trouble or drink. I never know if I am being told the truth about anything. It is so frustrating that I get angry and then xfeel guilty for being angry When I go to sleep I worry she’s gonna leave and drink and drive even though she has multiple dui”s. I love her because when she is ‘normal’ she is one of thesweetest most down to earth and beautiful person I have ever known. But I feel like I’m raising an irresponsible adolescent. She’s 31 and I’m 40. She hasn’t really worked in the 2 years I’ve known her. Her unemployment has run out and she’s starting an Internet business. Shes been working on that for almost two years and yet there is not even a website. I often feel tormented by the situation and like I must be in hell.
I am by no means perfect but the stress level is ridiculous at times. I’m afraid if I leave she will ruin her life or kill herself. She won’t see a dr and is not medicated.
I feel that sums it up
I’d love to hear what anyone else has to say
In a nutshell, you cannot make someone get help. They have to want to get better before they ever will. My personal experience – my husband gave me an ultimatum. I had to get help or it was over. That ultimatum started my recovery because I couldn’t bear even th thought of being without him. Several years later, I am still stable and stay on top of my care. I hope it all turns out well for you.
My partner of 4 years left me because of my bi polar. I have just came across this blog tonight, I realise that its an old post. I just happened to click on this particular entry in the archives. It reminded me of my relationship. The great love I thought that I had that promised to be there for me through everything and wasnt. I was desperate for him to understand but despite him constantly saying he wanted what was best for me he never even bothered to educate himself with what I was going through, what we were going through. I understand your frustration entirely. This made me feel like I didnt matter, that we didnt matter, how could he not be taking this seriously? It affected our lives in the most horrible ways and he somehow managed to exacerbate the problems everytime (because he didnt know what to do/ say and then he would get so mad at me and I felt trapped like he had somehow pushed me into this corner). You are lucky in many ways to have a husband that has stood by you. Not many people do it seems from my experiences. My ex said he loved me and cared for me but everytime I went through a difficult patch he was quick to send me off and each and everytime I went through the pain and lonliness of getting better again on my own motivated by fear of losing him. He would make me feel bad for what had happened, like I should have seen it coming, or been able to handle it better. I felt like a failure, to us both. It made me hate myself and what was happening to me. It has ultimately led me to hate what I have became. It wasnt fair of him to do that to me, I knew it then but I was so in love with him I didnt care so long as he didnt leave. I felt like I needed him to breath most days especially when things got really dark, he felt like the only person I could talk to, could trust. When he left it broke me. I have never felt so let down. The last time I saw him was during a psychotic break about a year ago. It was a particularly bad time for me…. Id been trying desperately for a year to cope with a miscarriage (which I partly blame on the stress he caused me when he left me via email saying he needed space but this space involved him not even talking to me or trying to understand why I was so upset – I went to see him as we were living in different cities at the time to try and tell him what I was going through, to have a shoulder to cry on who would understand what that loss felt like and he just got so mad at the fact that I had came to see him when he had asked for space…. he said I was selfish. Ill never get over that, how alone I felt – this led me to heavily self medicate as the intense emotion just overwhelmed me completely – I did not know that I was pregnant until it was too late). Anyway the last time I saw him, he threw me to the floor in the bathroom (I guess to keep me safe following a pretty large overdose but partly because he hated me for disrupting his life, I know he was going through things at this time too but I was always the last priority, when my dad died 4 years ago despite the fact that this led to an episode of almost 4 months in bed not leaving the hosue much I never stopped being there for him) and when I cried out that he was hurting me pushing me into the bathroom floor and I had my face by the dirty toilet (which for some bizzare reason actually bothered me even though I didnt care if I died!?) he told me it was where I belonged, on the floor like the dog I was. He called an ambulance and refused to come with me. That was the point where I think I knew that my life was pretty worthless. Getting into an ambulance alone after trying to kill yourself because you felt so alone, so confused, so out of your depth to then be reminded almost that that was infact not just paranoia, it was the worst feeling I think I have ever experienced. The lonliest I have ever felt. Ive never seen him since. He has been in touch once to see “how I was doing”, the cheery tone of utter blasé-ness made me feel sick, did he somehow manage to stay in his little bubble and miss the entire 2 years of hell?!?! When I was discharged he had moved out and in with a friend of his that he must have knew would cause me great pain – he didnt care if I got better. It was never about what was best for me. Sometimes I do feel bad about what I put him through, the pain I must have caused him when I would push him away and say cruel things when I got scared but other days I remind myself that he still never apologised for what he put me through, for not being there for me and I feel ashamed to say that part of me feels glad that I might have made him feel a fraction of how he has made me feel. Im 30 this year and I feel like I am starting all over again from scratch, alone. Being this way has taken away everything that I had struggled to get…. a home, a job, well a career even, a partner I loved, my dreams. It happened so fast and I feel entirely broken and let down. I feel like I turned my back on myself when he did and for the last couple of years I have been living in this semi-life, a halfway house where I am incapable of feeling much at all. Part of me wants to stay here forever because I know that I can never go back to how things were, I know that the lives I wreaked havok on along the way will never forgive me, they didnt understand then and they wont now. In this place I feel protected, safe. I dont seem to care enough to fall off again and while this is indeed a really lonely place to be, it is the safest place I have been in years but I still just feel like I am waiting for him to realise how he treated me, to apologise, like that is somehow going to make this feel better for me, change me…. allow me to start healing, rebuilding the life that came to a crashing halt last year. I know it won’t but I can still dream! I try to remind myself that there are good people out there and that it doesnt have to be this way for me and reading other peoples blogs from time to time when I feel particularly alone with is comforting in many ways to know that Im not alone, that others go through similar experiences and have had good experiences (well im not sure good is the correct word!!) but Im not sure how I could ever trust or love again and that makes me really sad and less hopeful for a bright future.