May 4th, 2009 
admin It has been some time since I had my last episode. I’ve been very near stabilization for awhile, but I had a complete meltdown Friday afternoon. I think part of it was caused by the recent change in the dosage of my medication and part of it was agoraphobia and panic.
My husband had decided that we would take a (very) last minute camping trip. I have to have time to prepare myself mentally before we leave the house and my husband wasn’t listening to anything I said. After a short while, I became very frustrated and started crying. I don’t cry. This should have tipped him off that things were going to get bad. Apparently, it didn’t.
I have this defense mechanism. Whenever I get so upset that I cry, the hurt will quickly change to anger so I can cope with the situation. The crying turned to rage and I threw a book across the room, knocking over a glass that was half full of Coke. It spilled all over my printer and I still don’t know if it works now or not. After a short stint of rage, I entered the “smart ass phase”. This lasted for several hours and it certainly didn’t make me a very pleasant person to be around.
I was completely out of control and there was nothing I could do to stop it. My husband didn’t understand any of it. He thinks I’m the wicked witch of the southeast. If I had any control over it, I certainly wouldn’t have done any of it. I don’t like being this way but it’s very frustrating when someone won’t listen to me, doesn’t understand or is inconsiderate of my feelings.
This is a minor setback. I can handle it and things aren’t going to get worse. I am going to stay on top of this and try my best to keep working towards stabilization. Wish me luck…I’m going to need it.
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