May 12th, 2009 
admin I am experiencing an emotion that I don’t quite know how to deal with. Ever since the doctor upped my dosage of Lamictal, I have had a lot of anger and rage. Yesterday that changed. I have to figure out how to handle this emotion before it converts to anger.
For a long time now, all of my emotions have been replaced by rage. It’s a coping mechanism. If I can’t handle it, it turns to anger because I can deal with that. Lately I have begun to feel other emotions and I haven’t quite figured out how to deal with it and that scares me.
Sad movies make me want to cry. This hasn’t happened to me in years. It’s something I am not used to because sadness usually manifests itself as rage. It is something I don’t want. In the past, it has caused me to become suicidal and brought on a psychotic episode. I know this sounds stupid and I know it’s an emotion that everyone deals with but I haven’t in so long that it terrifies me. I associate it with major depressive episodes and I can’t go back to that. I can deal with “having the blues”, but wanting to cry over such silly things is too much for me.
Rage and anger is something I can handle, but those around me can’t. I know it makes them miserable when I am constantly lashing out. This is why I have to sort things out. I don’t really know how, but I am going to figure this out.
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