It’s not even noon and I am already having a long day. Have you ever stopped and thought this isn’t what I expected my life to be like? Don’t get me wrong. There is no place I would rather be than right here with my family. I just never thought I would end up mentally ill.

Before you think I am having a pity party, hear me out. I don’t feel sorry for myself and I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. When someone we love dies, we mourn. It’s very similar to that. I am grieving over the death of the person I once was. I am trying to learn to accept that I will never be the person I was years ago.

Let me explain. When I was in my teens and early twenties, I was vivacious and up for anything. I was very spontaneous because I enjoyed the thrill of never knowing what I would be doing next. On top of the world, I was popular, always busy and my phone never stopped ringing. I did more in a month than most people did in a year. I loved my life.

Today, I can’t leave the house without planning it days in advance and I get so anxious that I will become physically ill. I can’t stand being in crowds and a lot of times I won’t even answer the phone. I can’t deal with change. Spontaneity is a thing of the past.

I can manage. I just have to learn how to live this new life. That’s what I am working on—acceptance and management.

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