September 9th, 2009 
admin There has been a lot of debate over whether parents with bipolar disorder are capable of being good parents. I have repeatedly said it is possible and there are many examples of it. I offer you my own experience so that you may form your own conclusion.
My oldest son will be 18 in December. I got pregnant and married at the age of 16. During a long, drawn out divorce, my ex-husband signed over custody of my son to his mother. Being a minor at the time, I was not allowed to have custody of a minor child. After numerous court battles, the judge told me that we would have to stop arguing or he would place my son in foster care until the matter was settled. I stopped fighting and let them have him. So, his grandmother has raised him since he was about a year old.
Being a “dumb kid”, I remarried the man a few years later and had a second child. We divorced before she turned two and I made sure he didn’t get her. She is now 14. For years, their father has had a problem with substance abuse. I refused to allow him to have visitation from the time she was 4 years old and was threatened with contempt of court charges, which I would have gladly taken to protect her.
Fast forward to today: My son has been allowed to do whatever he wanted since he was a young child. His grandmother has provided him with a truck and the money to do as he pleased since he was 14 years old. (He was caught driving when he was 14, but was not charged.) On his 17th birthday, he dropped out of high school promising that he would get his GED and enroll in a trade school this fall. He did get his GED but he isn’t going to trade school. He has never had a job.
When he was 15 years old, he was arrested twice in the same day. He was charged with vandalism of city property and assault for two separate incidents, and was guilty of both offenses. He was placed on house arrest for several months and spent a year on probation. At my cousin’s funeral in January of this year, my sister and I noticed something wasn’t right with him. After the service, we confiscated a small bag of marijuana that he had in his pocket. Not only was I upset that he was doing drugs, but I was livid that he had been riding in MY vehicle with drugs that day and I had no knowledge of it. I began to uncover a lot of things that he was involved in and I relayed all of this to his grandmother in a telephone call. She continued to allow him to drive the truck and gave him money for gas.
Isn’t all of this bad enough? Well, let’s add in the events of this week. He called me yesterday and it was the first time I have heard from him in over a month. He told me that he was arrested on Sunday. One of his friends was driving his truck and the friend was charged with DUI (the boy is under 18), no insurance, possession of drug paraphernalia, and simple possession (marijuana). My son was charged with possession of drug paraphernalia and possession of marijuana (3 grams). He was cuffed and taken to the police department and his truck was impounded. His grandparents and his father picked him up and paid to get the truck out of impound. His father told him he was not going to say anything because he had been there. (He had a drug charge a few years back for possession of crystal methamphetamine.) They gave him the truck back and gave him gas money to visit some friends who live out of the county the very next day.
I feel it is important that I say that I am not embellishing or exaggerating. These are the events that occurred. I would also like to say that I do not condone his actions and I will not defend him. As I do not have custody of him and he does not live in my home, I have no control over his actions and cannot now nor have I ever been able to discipline him. I have had to sit back and watch him self destruct for several years now with my hands tied. Since his grandparents refuse to attempt to discipline him and continue to provide him with money (which he purchases drugs with), I personally feel that he should receive some time, preferably in a rehabilitation facility. The environment he lives in enables him to continue this behavior and removing him from the situation may help but allowing him to stay will certainly not.
I love my son with all of my heart and I only want good things for him. Unfortunately, he has chosen a very destructive path and people have chosen to enable him and inadvertently condone his behavior. I simply cannot do that. I refuse to and I have good reasons. You’ll see. Keep reading.
Some of you are now wondering what this has to do with a parent with bipolar disorder. My son was raised by people who do not have a mental illness. I have bipolar disorder and I have raised my daughter. She is in the ninth grade and knows what college she is going to attend and what her major will be (forensic science). She told her guidance counselors this in the 6th grade and takes the steps to get there. She plays clarinet in the high school band in the hopes of receiving a partial scholarship. She is also on the yearbook committee and despite having 4 days of after school extracurricular activities each week, she maintains an A average in all of her classes. She has a 16 year old boyfriend who is saving himself for marriage and she, after much worry on my part concerning her teenage years, has decided to do the same. They “date” with our family and are very content with it. (He attends her band functions with us and he visits her at the house.)
Many people say that I am too strict but she is a brilliant young lady with morals and values. She had a rough time in the past two years and attempted to be rebellious but I tightened the reins even harder and the result is a respected youth who is admired for her character. She is very straightforward and sometimes people are taken back by this, but she is certainly a leader and not a follower. She is ambitious and determined and does not allow herself to be swayed by others. She has not been separated from bad influences-she has learned from them. She sees the troubles her father and brother have and wants more for her own life and works hard to succeed. Yes, she is a bit mouthy at times but it’s because she is so strong minded. It means that she is set in her own ways and no one will convince her to compromise her own morals. For that, I am proud. For that reason, I will tolerate her typical teenage angst and never ending questions.
I have to say, the child has been through a lot in her short life. She has had to come to terms with her father’s drug abuse and subsequent abandonment which caused her to become insecure. A lot of love and support (and plenty of patience) has brought her to the conclusion that she doesn’t need people who will complicate her life and steer her away from her goals. She understands that everyone she meets will not like her and she is more than okay with that. She doesn’t try to be Miss Popularity (but I must admit that she is quite popular despite it all.) She has her eye on the prize and refuses to look away and it is because of, not in spite of, the hard knocks she had earlier in life and the response of me and her dad. (Dad is my husband. We married when she was not quite three and she doesn’t remember before that time.)
The thing is, we have taught her that adversity provides opportunities to strengthen yourself as a person and that’s exactly what it is doing for her. I have never given her pity-I give her determination. I will never enable her to feel sorry for herself because that would be her downfall. She is strong. She is smart. She is destined for greatness beyond what I will ever achieve in my lifetime. Everything in her life has been a learning opportunity and I have used it wisely.
My daughter has been right in the middle of the problems associated with my mental illness. She has been here through it all and it is simply part of life for her. It has taught her tolerance, acceptance and understanding. My mental illness has not had a negative impact on her life or my parenting skills. If anything, it has strengthened them.
Since I have stressed my parenting goals and their results, I want you to understand that this is exactly why I cannot be tolerant of my son’s activities. Any sign of tolerance would leave my daughter confused about where I stand on a very important issue. I can’t do that. I must convey to her that it is not acceptable under any circumstances. That is exactly what I am doing.
I have not even mentioned how wonderful my younger two children are, but if you really want me to I can write lots more. Anyway, I hope that this helps to illustrate that a parent with bipolar disorder, or any mental illness, can be a good parent and can raise well-adjusted children.
I would love to hear your opinions.
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