As I continue my downward spiral into the depths of depravity in the midst of December, my “brave face” is already starting to wash away. This is not going to be good.

I have agoraphobia and that is a terrible thing to have during the holidays. I am okay with a crowd of friends because I put on my brave face and keep moving. Without a crowd, it doesn’t work so well. I had a major meltdown over the weekend during an outing that involved multiple stops in crowded shops. The one thing that I keep hearing in my head is someone saying, “What is wrong with you?” As I took half a Xanax, I said, “Do you think I enjoy this?”

Ahh, the bliss of being misunderstood. I try. I try really hard. I tried to prepare myself for this outing, but it was too much and I knew it from the start. The plan was to stop and eat at a restaurant, head to a crowded mall to stand in line for Santa, visit multiple shops in said crowded mall, and then visit a couple of other places before returning home. I was doomed to fail from the beginning but I still hung in there pretty well. At least I thought so. Apparently, I was wrong.

Honestly, I did very well. I was snippy and I was very negative but I wasn’t screaming. I still felt like someone was saying I was a horrible person and I ended up crying the entire way. I don’t cry, mind you, but I sat staring out the window as tears streamed down my face. I hated the fact that it was getting dark and I had to remove my sunglasses before I got out of the vehicle. More importantly, I hated me at that moment.

It shouldn’t be this hard. I should be able to just go and do things with my family without bursting into tears or freaking out. Unfortunately, it isn’t like that for me and I cannot change it. Am I a horrible person because I can’t? Are they horrible for not being more understanding? I think we share the same amount of “horribleness” and that is how we are the same.

I don’t know. The only thing I do know right now is that I must attend my daughter’s band concert tonight all by myself and I would rather die than walk into a crowded auditorium and sit alone beside strangers for almost two hours. My descent continues. I keep stumbling on things that make death seem more favorable. I have to do something quick.

Here’s the deal. I am rational at this point but maybe I am a bit too rational. I know the medication I am on keeps me from committing suicide. It isn’t taking away the ideation, but it has taken away the nerve to try and that is a good thing. The bad thing is that one of the voices in my head is trying to convince me that I could regain that nerve if I just stop taking the medication. I am not listening to it but it’s trying to trick me.

I have problems with short term memory from time to time and I will end up trying to remember if I took my medication only five minutes after I took it. This happened last night and I was pretty sure that I didn’t take it, but the voice…the voice said I shouldn’t take it because I probably took it already because that is always the first thing I do before bed and taking two could be worse than skipping a dose. This sounded very rational to me then, but now I am pretty sure I didn’t take my medication last night and I know the voice knew that and I fell for it because I was trying to be rational a always and the voice knows that. My “voice of wisdom” is plotting against me, at a time where I feel like I am resented and seen as a burden.

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1. All About Bipolar: My trip to the doctor

2. Lamictal Withdrawals
3. Talk to myself? Are you kidding?
4. All About Bipolar: Various Emotions in a Short Time
5. All About Bipolar: Long rant…hypochondriac? Puh-leeze