December 18th, 2009 
admin I have strong feelings about relationships. Is this related to bipolar disorder? I think some of it is, but some of it is not.
I love my husband very much, but I have a constant fear that he will leave me. It stems back to my first marriage. For more than seven years, I was told that I was worthless and no one would ever want me and anyone who did would only want me for one thing. I believed this for a long time. Now that I am in a relationship where I don’t feel like I am being used, part of me is terrified of losing that.
It’s not that my husband has given me any indication that he is leaving; it’s just that I have a (deliberately) implanted fear of being hurt and left alone. How does this relate to bipolar disorder? Part of my symptoms is not being able to let go of things. Hence, I am unable to let go of this fear. Part of me just loves him so much that the thought of not having that is more than I can bear.
My issues with relationships are much bigger than that. Friendships are extreme. I either love you to death or I’m just tolerating you because I feel obligated to for some strange reason. I am not a forgiving person. If you betray me or I find that your morals and values don’t align with mine, then I’m done and I am not going to try to fix things. They can try if they like, but it takes a great amount of convincing to move past the “I absolutely can’t stand you” phase.
I don’t feel bad about this because I found out early on that few people are actually worth the trouble it takes to maintain a friendship. I have a few great friendships but most people are just an annoyance. Is this caused by bipolar disorder? Yes and no. Again, I cannot let go of things but part of me doesn’t want to when it comes to friends.
Love is worth the effort. I love two of my friends very dearly and I ride out the ups and downs and think nothing of it. If a potential friend doesn’t share my morals and values…if they don’t share my feelings on various subjects that are important to me…if I disagree with their lifestyle or life choices…they’re not worth the trouble because it will be a constant annoyance. Why would I expend the energy to sustain a relationship that just isn’t worth it?
Some people are content to have many of these relationships and call them “friends”. That’s not a friend-it’s an acquaintance. A friend is someone you connect with on a very deep level. For me, they end up being called family because they are far more than friends. Anything less than that is expendable and I prefer it that way.
I am an “all or nothing” kind of person. I expect the same from other people. In my opinion, it’s quite simple but others think it’s very complicated. Is this bipolar disorder? No. I believe it’s wisdom. I’d rather have just a few friends that I know will stick by me no matter what than dozens of people who would turn their back on me on a whim. That’s not a relationship issue. It’s being smart.
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