June 15th, 2010 
admin People wonder why I have trust issues. I would say it’s not so much trust issues–it is a fear of getting too close to others. When you have loved and lost as much as I, the fear is justified.
To those I have loved and lost…
Sarah Mclachlan-I Will Remember You
Kevin–my cousin and best friend. Died at age 9 of cystic fibrosis. I was still a child myself. I often wonder what he would have looked like as an adult.
Ronnie–friend. Committed suicide as a teenager.
Granddaddy–my grandfather. I was a teenager when he died.
Keith–my brother and dear friend. Still living, severe brain damage after vicious beating when we were teens. In a coma for an entire year. Never the same. Always felt we lost what he could have become.
Kay–cousin and best friend. Murdered at 28. So many memories.
Big Daddy–my paternal grandfather. Helped raise me.
Eddie–my best friend. Saved me and protected me. Murdered. I feel somewhat responsible for letting him go home.
Mammie–my grandmother. Helped raise me. Was a very important part of my life.
Granny–my grandmother. She was always there taking care of me when I had my babies.
Ken–my best friend for many years. Died in a car accident. No more rock’em sock’em robots for us.
Daddy–suffered many years with Crohn’s. Died of liver disease. Part of me feels I abandoned him in his last years.
Charlie–my cousin and close friend for all of childhood. Died at 31 of aneurysm after brutal beating. Died one day to the year that I buried daddy.
There’s no one really left from my childhood. All of my best friends from earlier years have died. I have lost more close friends in my lifetime than some people will make in their lifetime. These were all people I loved dearly–some of my very best friends. It has made it very difficult to be close to anyone. My experience has been that anyone I get close to…well, dies. Experience that and then tell me my “trust issues” are related to bipolar disorder.
Regardless, it is hard not to weep for the memories.
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