February 3rd, 2012 
admin About the “B” word and me
By Rachel Pappas
How has bipolar affected me? Hmm, that’s a tough one, because I never know what to “blame” on being a clinically-certified screaming meamie. And I don’t know what to blame on myself—diagnosis or not. That’s actually one of the ways my human condition has most affected me—not really understanding how much is the illness and how much is “me” that I just need to find a way to fix. And the pain I’ve caused the people I love most—that’s what takes me for a real tailspin.
As I’m sure is the case with many of you, I don’t fit the classic mold: I do not literally bounce off walls (though through chemo, the steroids had me up 72 hours straight after every hit; in and out of drawers and the fridge; pounding away on my keyboard …). I don’t go out on the loose, ratcheting up the Visa account with a few new house deeds, a fleet of jets, and the airport to house them.
But the screaming in my head, the red-hot agitation, I just can’t turn off some days. So many times I’d want to kick myself after verbally tearing my daughter to shreds. My daughter who ended up in in and out of psychiatric placements through her adolescents.
From the days of her pixie cuts and too-cute toothless smile on through her very rough teen years, I would apologize to her for the hurt. Then I’d beat her down again. How many times can you say “I’m sorry. I love you.” Then turn out the light and hope this little person sleeps soundly?
So when I first heard the bipolar word, I was actually relieved. This psychiatrist was telling me I’m not just a sad bitch; I have a chemically-based illness. But even on the drugs, even with therapy, I couldn’t break from my one-step forward, one-step backward dance in my relationships. So many times I’d replay Marina’s expression and the sickness in my stomach after the wires in my head burst and I exploded. Trying to condition myself like Peugeot’s pigeons.
I’d have a good day here and there, but then another bad one, where I wished I had an “Undo” button after I slipped. Little by little, there were more times between outbursts, because I had at least found a “Pause” button, and I lean on it often these days. My now 22-year-old baby and I have come around famously after many years of her cutting, running away, overdosing and what became vicious two-way verbal brawls between us. Though it’s been a ride, finally, we’re at peace. Actually, we’re way more than “at peace.” Marina’s moved out, and we’re more connected now than when she was home, locked away in her teen cave. We do mall damage together, swap recipes, have hit the gym together, share “man” jokes. We even double date—her dad and me; Marina and her beau.
I can’t chalk up the improvements to any one groundbreaking realization. No miraculous pill or Genie Therapist. The sickness I felt after beating Marina up over and over again finally seeped into the place in my psyche it had to go so I could finally change.
I think getting hit with the “You have cancer” brick made some difference. Facing your mortality can do that—it can help reinforce the motivation you already had—the motivation you could jump-start but that kept stalling out on you.
But I think what helped most is many evolutions over time. Oh, and Marina moving out. Boundaries do help. That was the one thing I feared most, my child leaving me, and it was a major event. Only thing is, she didn’t really leave me.
I wrote a book about my daughter and me; and this beast called mental illness. It’s called Hopping Roller Coasters, and if you’d like to read a few excerpts, they’re at: http://www.1uponcancer.com/rachels-memoir/
***Thanks so much for sharing your story, Rachel!
Visitors:
If you would like to learn more about bipolar disorder in order to better understand this mental illness, please visit http://allaboutbipolar.com/types-of-bipolar/.
If you would like to help with Bipolar Disorder Awareness Month, please visit http://allaboutbipolar.com/category/bipolar-awareness-month/. Please consider hosting one of our banners during the month of February. To submit your story to be shared during the month of February, please email it to support@allaboutbipolar.com. Thanks so much for your support! Education is key to raising awareness and dispelling myths concerning bipolar disorder.
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