Over the next week or so, she continued to get worse, she didn’t leave her room,didn’t sleep, didn’t wash and hardly ate, she was so down and had extreme panic attacks when i had to leave for work,I couldn’t leave the house without her texting me constantly the whole time i was away, being at work whilst your receiving constant texts from your suicidal daughter is a hard thing to cope with, I made another doctors appointment with a different doctor and broke down in the surgery, this doctor however was brilliant, once she had seen my daughter she referred her to CAMHS and put her on anti anxiety tablets, however these tablets gave her terrible side effects and made her tired and feel ill constantly. We had to wait weeks for an appointment with CAMHS, my daughter hadn’t left her room for months and i felt so helpless as there was nothing i could do to help her. We finally got an appointment and she was put on Prozac, these didn’t help at all, she was on them for about a month when she suddenly started having major highs and Lows throughout the day, one minute she could be OK, still depressed but able not as anxious then half an hour later she would change into what id describe as a demon, she would cry, say hateful things, cut her arms, try and drown herself in the bath,she wouldn’t talk to anyone, id sit for hours on her bed with her staring into space and saying she wanted to die and she would find a way of doing it.At this point i was a mess, i was severely depressed myself and had to go on anti depressants as i too felt i didn’t want to be alive anymore, i felt id lost my daughter and id never get her back, appointments with CAMHS were few and far between and for months i was left to cope on my own. Id googled her symptoms from the start and was convinced she had Bipolar, i discussed this with the psychiatrist but because of my daughters age they were unwilling to diagnose anything and just wanted to talk her through her problems, thing is my daughter didn’t have any problems that would make her like this, I knew she was mentally ill and the only thing that would help her would be the right medication.

This is when i decided to take her to see a private psychiatrist, at £250 for an initial consultation and £150 every month there after, it wasn’t cheap but i was desperate, i wanted my daughter back and i was scared that i was going to be burying her if i didn’t get something done fast. The psychiatrist was brilliant and diagnosed her with rapid cycle bipolar. He started her on a low dose of Lamotrigine (a drug used for epilepsy and also used as a mood stabiliser for bipolar) this took months to even out her mood, he had to wean her off of the Prozac as he felt this caused the rapid cycle mood swings and when she was eventually stable he added an anti depressant called Venlofaxine.

A year on and my daughter is still ill, she is stable but still gets quite depressed, her medication still needs tweaking but because of her age this has had to be a slow process. Saying this, Ive got my old daughter back more or less, she still doesn’t go out very often and gets anxious being around other people, but she she can see a light at the end of the tunnel. she hasn’t cut her arms for about 2 months and rarely speaks about killing herself. She even tried to go back to school just before Xmas but after 2 mornings of being there decided she couldn’t cope with all the people, she suffers with extreme paranoia and always felt like everyone was talking about her so Ive taken her out of school now, shes just started a home learning course about animals as she would like to go on to work with them when shes ready, I bought her a chihuahua whilst she was really down and i feel its one of the best things Ive done as it gave her a focus in life and he became her new best friend, she even takes him for walks sometimes which is brilliant as a year ago i had a child who wouldn’t even sit in the lounge with the rest of the family.

Although my daughter has had a tough year, i feel its been a positive year too in some respects, for one, finding out she has bipolar  in my opinion is  better now rather than later in life, shes proved that she is a fighter and got through the toughest bit and now she just has to get her medication right and then there is no reason she cant go on to have a normal life.She also has so much compassion for other people now too, not saying she was heartless before because she wasn’t, but she has really grown up and empathises with anyone who suffering, not only with bipolar but other conditions too. Bipolar isn’t a death sentence, it takes time to get a control on it but once its managed you can go on to have a wonderful life. We have been very open about her illness and don’t hide the fact she has it. People seem to think that its a taboo subject and it cant be spoken about, this isn’t the case, i feel that if its spoken about and not hidden then more people who are suffering with be able to get help and not hide it because of embarrassment.

Louisa Fossey

***Thanks so much for sharing your story, Louisa!

 

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