February 7th, 2012 
admin Here is my basic story….I am 28 years old and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 20. Technically, I was battling with it since I was 17. I’ve learned so much about this disorder from experiencing it for more than a decade. At first, I was diagnosed with depression at 17 and for 3 years was treated with different antidepressants. Treating me with antidepressants alone caused rapid cycling and very bad decisions. I tried going away to college and the stress and distance from my family caused me to become more depressed. I moved home and tried to go to community college and work. It was at this time I was dating a man 10 years older than me who used my credit and I ended up having to file for bankruptcy at 20. I also had other challenges to deal with based on his influence, which led to legal issues. I was lucky to be under 21 and have them expunged from my record. It was because of all this I first reached my lowest point at 20 and went into the psychiatric ward for a week. Within 20 minutes of talking to me, the doctor diagnosed me as type 1 bipolar disorder rapid cycling. The first 6 months after my release I was the sickest I had ever been in my whole life, as finding the right medications made me vomit nearly everyday. After settling on a combination of lithium, anticonvulsants, and antidepressants, I was successful at community college and in the summer of 2005, at 21, I finally went away to school in Chicago to study fashion design. It took awhile to find a good doctor, but with his help, I was able to stay successful in school. This period lasted for 2 years and was great, I was able to concentrate and have relationships. The doctor decided to retire in the summer of 2007 and I was referred to another doctor who didn’t have the understanding or caring of the previous doctor. My mental health slowly went downhill and I was failing classes that I would have been usually able to excel at. That fall, my father died in an airplane crash. The impact of his death hit me a few months later, when I tried to commit suicide by taking every single pill I had in my apartment. I was again admitted into the psychiatric ward in Chicago, where I met the best doctor I have ever had. I spent a week recovering and was released with similar medications that I had been taking before. I was able to complete my classes and landed an internship in Seattle, ultimately allowing me to graduate with a Bachelors degree in Fine Arts. Job prospects were not great, so I ended up moving home, but making regular trips back to Chicago, as I didn’t want to give up the doctor that was able to help me graduate college. I searched for jobs and had an active social life back at home, eventually getting engaged. But a bout with lithium toxicity ended my mental stability and most of my relationships. I ended up in the hospital again, after my mom found me unconscious on her bedroom floor. Lithium had been my rock, but somehow turned on my body, causing me to lose my memory of the past 6 months, the ability to walk up and down stairs, and a constant numbness and tingling in my arms and legs. My main support system had been my mother, who had previously always been there everyday, even in Chicago, calling me to make sure things were going well. She had started dating in February and spent most of her time with her new boyfriend, leaving me to deal with the attempt at adjusting to new medications on my own. Her constant reassurances that she would take care of me and always be there for me crumbled when the day before New Years Eve she told me that her boyfriend were going to get married and he was going to move into the house that my parents had previously lived in. I was stunned and from her actions, it had seemed like she just wanted me out of her life, and so I found myself back in the hospital on New Years Eve, from an overdose of Valium. Although this was just a one night stay in the observation ward because my brother had come home and brought me into the hospital. This is where I am at today, dealing with a strained support system that isn’t always there for me and medications that don’t always do their jobs. I think that I have made it this far just from pure personal strength and believing in fate. Everything happens for a reason, especially when we don’t understand what is going on or why. I’ve learned that support systems fail and you have to rely on yourself and being able to talk yourself down from dark places that your head goes to. The best advice I have for someone who is newly diagnosed with bipolar disorder is to get a doctor that listens to you, knows his/her medications well, and that actually cares about you. It is important to have someone to just listen to you and who tried to understand what you are going through, whether its counseling or just a close friend. I’ve also found it really important to have short term goals and things I can constantly be focused on, because otherwise my mind will wander to dark places that I sometimes can’t get out of. Journaling is one of the best forms of therapy because you can say whatever you want and get any thoughts out of your head, instead of constantly going over the same thing over and over again. After I was in the hospital for lithium toxicity, I applied for disability and am still waiting on the process to be complete and have a decision, and it’s been 8 months already. I try to deal with things day to day now, since my relationship with my mother has almost completely crumbled because of her “new love”.
***Thanks so much for sharing your story, Erin!
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If you would like to learn more about bipolar disorder in order to better understand this mental illness, please visit http://allaboutbipolar.com/types-of-bipolar/.
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